party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
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If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am