I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
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Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Mission: Impossible
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Perfect.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.