Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
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My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
my proudest tweet
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
79.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg