We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
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yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
NASA has no chill
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.