Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
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Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Every damn time
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I don’t get marriage
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.