Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
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*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Pickled cat.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.