My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
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You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
*aggressively waits in line*