Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
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4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
me after eating Cheetos
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”