The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
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The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
That’s incredible! 👌
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”