[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
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honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Can Happiness buy money?
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
How your email finds me