If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
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I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.