Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
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I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower