Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
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Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”