I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
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The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.