*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
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me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Yeah. This was me today.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me