[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
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I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up