you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
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back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
this is so top tier i cant
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.