What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
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Made something I’m not proud of
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
2022 will be better than 2021
💁🏻♂️
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home