On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
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The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…