Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
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A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
not to brag, but mine was free
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites