Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
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If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
At Walmart during the holidays like..
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
iPhone X
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.