Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
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Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Flowers bee like
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!