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Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Anime is real
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU