One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
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I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Monday Lisa
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.