Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
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If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.