“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
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WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
How animals would run if they were human