The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
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Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Bootstraps
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Actually cracking up @ this
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Hey i am sexy to you now
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!