Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
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I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.