{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
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Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.