Well, this explains it:
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Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
i did the math
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go