*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
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idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.