Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
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#Caturday
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
This is enough internet for the day.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again