Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.