Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
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*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Who knew!
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business