M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
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Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
When your man makes a valid point
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.