Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
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“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
My whole life was a lie.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.