I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
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Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
*exercises sarcastically*
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.