Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
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My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.