My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
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You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
For the baby who has everything
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.