ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
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Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same