Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
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[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”