Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
You Might Also Like
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.