i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
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My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
How about I get 100% off by already being there
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?