Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
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I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later: