Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
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me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”