Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
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Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?