I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
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I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance