Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
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me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.