*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
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Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
I’d rather fork than spoon.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”