Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
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until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Maths meets science
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
my proudest tweet
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food